For one of my children, there was a three year period when bedtime often meant tears. The words that kept on putting a dagger through my heart were, “I have no friends.” I learnt that naming children in the class like a desperate form of bingo did not help. Nor did organising playdates. Nor did conversations with the teacher, or other parents, or even those other children themselves.
This is a pain that seems common in families. It comes in many forms. Not enough friends. Not the right kind of friends. Not good enough friends. Mean friends. Bad influence friends. No Christian friends. Mean Christian friends.
This is a pain that should not surprise us. Even before the Fall, it was the single aspect of creation that needed fixing, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” (Gen 2:18) We all need a friend. Jesus defined friendship (in John 15:12-15) as sacrificial, deep sharing of ourselves. Christian friendship is about giving to others before it is about receiving. So we want to work through how to be good friends to others rather than constantly feeling let down by others.
There are many conversations we can have. Find the moments when you see your child caring for others well. Jesus sees their love for others, even when those others don’t include them. Are there corners of their life where you see friendship happening well? In church, on holiday, in your community or with relatives? Help them to see the good in those moments. School can be claustrophobic causing daily, intense, dark emotions. We need to help our children to tell themselves the better story. Their value is not determined by how many friends they have or how many parties they have been invited to. The consistency and certainty of a parent’s love can help children begin to grasp that God’s love and presence – so much better and more faithful than our own – goes with them, even when they feel completely alone. The longing for friendship that God has placed in all of us is fulfilled most in Christ. It feels like an intimidating challenge, but can we explain to our children that no friend can fill the gap made for Jesus? Can we help them see that their tears show how much they need Christ to be with them when they are lonely?
I have learnt that these fine arguments may not be enough for our children when they’re sat in a canteen eating lunch alone. I have heard countless creative stories of how children cope: Lego in the corner of a classroom, locking themselves in a loo or reading a book in the corner of the playground.
I feel blessed to have known a very sweet 8 year old at our church who had no friends for many years. She was lovely, godly, patient and chatty (while still leaving plenty of time for others to speak). I could not understand. That was more than 20 years ago. She has lost none of her bubbly charm and now has plenty of friends. I still don’t think it was her fault. I do believe that it gave her parents many opportunities for good conversations. I also believe God used that experience as a part of her becoming the compassionate woman she is today. Through the tears, let’s remember that in every difficulty there will always be opportunities for Gospel conversations and for lasting fruit in God’s good project of making our children, and us, more like Jesus.
Ed Drew – Director, Faith in Kids.
A longer version of this article appeared in the March 2024 edition of Evangelicals Now.
